Quick & Dirty Update from Crabcat

Looking forward to seeing you in Boston at PAX East! Jessica, Holly and I are collaborating on writing some pretty funny stuff. And there's prizes!

Saturday, March 12th @ 7:30pm EST - CAT Theatre!!

Announcement!!

Sunday, December 19th - Yes! THIS Sunday!
www.tinychat.com/crabcat
Watch me get my face covered in plaster! You know you want to. The fun starts in the afternoon, probably at 1pm PST / 4pm EST!

Blog Fail, But Big Wins

I've been a bad blogger. No need to make nice. You can tell me how much I suck.

But before you do, I have a couple things to announce:

1 - Chicken Soup for the Soul: Family Matters has been selling well and I've been accepted into a new edition to be released early next year. Yay. The new book is about grandmas because they're the best. Thanks again for your support!

2 - After a long search, I got a job as Director of Marketing for an international software company. My new role is all about long hours and stress. Double yay. Other than that, I'll be bringing the company's global message to the North American audience hopefully utilizing my creative mind. *insert maniacal laugh here*

3 - I've joined the illustrious and supremely-awesome production company Crabcat Industries. Aw, yeah. This group of talented artists, led by the reknowned Holly Conrad, brings characters from popular video games to life with movie-quality costumes and animatronics. If you haven't heard of them yet, believe me, you will. We've been slaving away on the website and will have lots of amazing news soon.

Anyway, that's all I've got. Do you forgive me now?

Day of Yays

Today was a good day. Of course some bleakness crept into my silver lining, but overall, it was a very good day indeed. You know it’s true when I throw down the word, “indeed.”

Yay #1 – Got a free pedicure.

Yes, my friend and I inadvertently forgot to pay, but that’s beside the point. No one told us to fork over the dough, no one chased us down like dogs to rip away the marrow of our wallets, and certainly no one reminded anyone involved including myself, my friend, the nail, um, technician(?), the receptionist, other patrons, and security cameras that we hadn’t paid. Not to worry, you moral compass enforcers, we’ll make it up to them. It was still cool though. Moving on…

Yay #2 – Worked out at the gym for the first time in years.

The best part, each cardio machine had its own TV. Rachel Zoe, thank you for entertaining me during my calorie inferno. I’m not about to mention that my face took on the hue of an eggplant by the end… *cough* I’m a little out of shape.

Yay #3 – I’m finally over caffeine.

Diet Coke and coffee, you have no power over me!

Yay #4 – Started my new sci-fi book.

Only 300 words, but hey, better than nothing.

Yay #5 – Went to a great tapas restaurant for dinner.

Another friend and I swapped stories of married life betwixt bites of paella. Super yummy. The remainder of the night consisted of me trying to sell our server on the idea of trying the Mass Effect video games.

All in all, a great day. Just thought I’d share.

Addiction Distraction

This post is a little off topic, but that’s okay. Deciding in which direction this blog should go is not at the top of my priority list at the moment. The feeling my head has been cleaved in half by a very dull and rusty axe is. Caffeine withdrawal sucks.

I’m not sure if any of you have problems with addiction, but I certainly do. To be clear, I’m not a toothless wonder hobbling down dark alleys scrounging for my next hit of crack or anything. I just have a severe penchant for caffeine. And with me, I don’t just like something, I LOVE it.

Doctors have told me I should quit. Ha! Right. Me, the coffee aficionado, the three-Diet-Cokes-a-day connoisseur, the Excedrin extraordinaire, me? Good luck with that.

So, instead of conquering the universe on the wings of my violet pegasus or storming the castle with my laser-beam assault rifle, I’m loathing my very existence struggling not to give in to the temptation that is Diet Coke. Wish me luck and send me good-writing vibes. Peace.

The Military Channel

“Babe! Hey Hil!”

Oh! My husband calls. Time to be the dutiful wife.

The swishing sounds of my crinoline skirt accompany me as I prance into the family room all Lucille Ball-like. Birds begin to chirp outside and the sun shines a wee bit brighter with my entrance. This is my blog post after all. Don’t mind me.

"Yes, my dearest most wonderfullest man o' mine.” I hand him a plate of freshly-baked cookies while I straighten my lace apron.

No, not really.

“Did you know we get the Military Channel in HD?” He smiles and squeezes the remote control tightly to his chest whilst squealing with delight. I might be exaggerating, but again, my blog my rules.

Little did I know this amazing discovery of television programming would haunt me. For weeks.

Battles and more battles and then more history about battles...

Throw in some shows about the newest technology for blowing things up and that’s about all I’ve heard coming from the big light box hanging on the wall. Granted, explosions do sound pretty cool in Dolby 7.1, but I digress.

An epiphany struck. Perhaps he loves the Military Channel because he was once IN the military. That got me thinking about writing. What if there was the Writing Channel?

Would I subject him to hours upon hours of literature history programs and interviews with famous authors?

What about documentaries on “the novels of the future” where we watch authors type their manuscripts and become victims of rejection?

Now that sounds like some quality television.

Reality shows like “Survivor” and “The Biggest Loser” could focus on writers pitching to agents. Hmm…

Anyway, the Military Channel is annoying. Thanks for reading.

My First Award!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Happy Award:

Thank you, Marybeth for this honor. You rock!

As with all good and happy things there are rules attached. I’m required to tell you 10 things that make me happy and list 10 blogs that make me happy. I’m sure you’re dying of anticipation, so I'll get on with it.


10 Things that Make me Happy!

1. Writing. (Shocking, I know.)

2. Singing. (Sometimes I even get paid.)

3. Sour candy.

4. Puppy kisses.

5. Snowboarding through the trees.

6. Reading.

7. Going anywhere in Europe.

8. Ketel One or Don Julio. Happiness in a bottle. ;)

9. A perfectly coordinated outfit, complete with "lotsa" jewelry and killer shoes.

10. Driving too fast.


10 Blog Friends that make me Happy!

1. Marybeth

2. Adam

3. Nicole (funniest blog EVER!)

4. Elana

5. Jillian

6. T Anne

7. Cindy

8. Linda

9. Annette

10. The Blonde

YAY! Now bring on the champagne!

The Angel Thing

After reading Hush, Hush, I got to thinking. (Yep, that little hamster’s still going strong.) What’s the deal with the new angel trend?

Maybe being brought up in a Baptist household changed my perception of God’s heavenly henchmen, but I don’t think there’s anything sexy about angels. Between androgynous representations like in “Constantine” (awesome movie) and the chubby cherubs seen in paintings, I don’t find hunky man-dude with feathery appendages. And about the feathers, that’s just weird. They’re like birdmen, but not. Have you seen a bird molt?

I heard someone say that angels are the new vampires. Granted, the idea of a fallen angel makes sense due to their lack of wings and sinful nature (and who doesn’t like a story about redemption?) but it’s hard for me to imagine falling in love with your guardian angel.

Let’s break this down –
1 – He’ll always be more beautiful than you with his sparkly essence and/or flowing robes of white.

2 – He’ll always make you feel bad for sinning, so you’d better get your guilt on.

(My internal editor just evacuated.)

3 – He’ll never age while you’ll continue to deteriorate. Vampires are cool because they can make you one too. I don’t see angels handing out seraph-dom.

On the flipside, the idea of sacrifice works. All I can hear right now is Sara McLachlan and it’s killing me – I’m getting there – “City of Angels” is a good example of this. Guardian angel throws away eternity to be human. Okay. I get it.

But I’m still creeped out by the feathers.

What do you think?

Disclaimer: I did enjoy Hush, Hush.

Reasons Not to Get a Dog in 2010

In an effort to appear balanced, I would like to discuss the flipside of my post from Dec 29th: Reason to Get a Dog in 2010.

So, here goes. Why NOT to get a dog:

1 – MUD.

I live in LA where it NEVER rains and yet, there’s mud in my yard. It may have to do with Stoli being a Husky with a penchant for digging, but wiping paws six or seven times a day plus two baths a week is a major burden. No, not baths for me. I promise I take one daily.

2 – Exercise.

Dogs need loads of exercise. If you’re sedentary (apparently I was), this is a real issue.


3 – Hair.

Yeah. It’s everywhere and on everything. I thought cat hair was pervasive - its got nothing on dog hair. Vacuuming everyday and lots of sweeping / dusting / wiping is required.


4 – Commitment.

Having a dog is akin to having a child. It constantly needs to be watched, fed, and played with. Forget spontaneously taking off for the weekend. You need to plan for a sitter, er, kennel.

(yes, this is actually my dog)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great thing to be a dog owner. Ah, look at that face.

Just be prepared before making that buying decision.

Reason To Get A Dog In 2010

You get out of speeding tickets. No, really. I know this to be true having experienced it first-hand. Wait. Why do we say “first-hand”? Or even “second-hand”? Don’t I have two hands? What if I designate one as numero uno and the other nombre deux?

Obviously, whoever came up with that lovely saying hung out with a bunch of handless people.

ANYWAY, back to the evasion of tickets. Here’s what happened:

Roll down window. Well, hit the button to lower the window.

Officer: “Hello. I pulled you over for your speed today. Do you know how fast you were going?”

My dog licks the officer’s hand repeatedly.

Me: “I’m really sorry, Officer. Stoli, stop it!”

Officer: “Oh, no. It’s okay. I love dogs. License and registration please.”

I hand him my license, registration, and proof of insurance. Yes, I went over and above.

Me: “Well, he certainly seems to like you.”

Officer pets Stoli and smiles at him.

Officer: “My LIDAR clocked you at 82. The speed limit is 55, Miss.”

Stoli begins to lick his face.

Me: “I’m so sorry. Stoli, he doesn’t want to make out with you!”

Officer: Laughs. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”

Officer walks to car. He comes back seven minutes later and gives me back my information. Stoli returns to loving on him.

Officer: “Here you go. I’m gonna let you off with a warning this time. Slow down, okay?”

Me: “Oh, yes, Officer. Will do.”


I drove away and got pulled over AGAIN for speed by another CHP. The same thing happened. Yeah, it’s awesome. You should get a dog, a cute one, if you need to clean up your driving record.

Holiday Epiphany

So, my Christmas tree is up, but no ornaments adorn it. The reason, you ask?

Doing anything other than working on my latest project makes me cringe.

Obsession is fickle. Usually, by this time of year, the Carpenters Christmas album has been played a million times, the house is covered with evergreen and twinkle lights, and all of the presents are wrapped. Not this year. No ho! This year, rather, this holiday season, all I think / dream / talk about is Summer’s End.

I’m pretty sure friends and family want to slip me a roofie and lock me in a closet until I come back from fantasyland. And yes, loved ones, I’ll be watching my eggnog very closely come Friday. Just kidding.

Or am I?

Anyway, the thought occurred to me that maybe my blog is like my tree. It’s set up with a few (SHINING) posts, but I’ve kind of been ignoring it. This might be a good time to slip in the cliché about the lights being on… NO! No clichés. Bad writer.

So, in the honored tradition of New Year’s resolutions, I would like to try and decorate my blog with more (SPARKLING) posts in 2010.

What are your resolutions?

Bon Voyage

I'm off to Europe for two weeks, but wanted to wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving! Eat lots of turkey for me and tons of mashed potatoes. I love me some spuds.

Au revoir.

In Autumn's Honor

Things are pretty boring on the writing front right now, so I thought I’d mix things up.

How, you ask?

With a recipe, of course. A lowfat awesome one actually; one perfect for autumn.

So, without further adieu, here is how to make…
Spiced Pumpkin Apple Bread! (yay?)

Ingredients:
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• ½ tsp cloves
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• 2 tsp baking soda
• 1 ½ tsp salt
• 3 cups granulated sugar

• 4 eggs
• 1 15oz can of pure pumpkin puree

• 1 cup unsweetened applesauce

• ½ cup apple juice
• 1 large baking apple or 1.75 small apples peeled, cored, and diced

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease and lightly flour two 9X5-inch loaf pans. (Too much flour leaves a white film in the corners. Yes, I learned the hard way.)
3. In a large bowl, combine flour, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, baking soda, and salt.
4. In another large bowl, mix sugar, pumpkin, eggs, applesauce, and apple juice. Beat until blended.

5. Add pumpkin (wet) concoction to flour (dry) mixture. Stir until moistened.
6. Fold in apples. (If using two small apples, eat the remainder of the second apple with peanut butter. The sooner the better :))
7. Spoon batter into loaf pans.
8. Bake for about 65 – 70 mins or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
9. Turn off oven. (A simple, but often overlooked step. Well, at least at my house.)
10. Cool in pans for 10 min.
11. Remove to wire racks or aluminum foil to finish cooling.

And there you have it. Enjoy!

New Addition

As some of you already know, Dave and I added a new member to the Shapiro family. Bienvenidos, Stoli!


So, when not working or squeezing in writing time, I teach my fuzzy kid important things like:

Where to go potty. (Yes, the technical term is "potty")

And how to make new friends.

He reciprocates by teaching me to never forget your wingman when escaping from prison -- a valuable lesson to be sure.
So, what have you learned from your pets?


Have a great week!

Not Like the Others

People think I'm weird. I know they do and no, it's not the underlying paranoia speaking. The sideways glances and tiny quirk of the eyebrows give it away every time.

Honestly, they are probably right. I am different and isn't that what being weird is -- not fitting between the parameters which makes a person normal?

Top 5 reasons for my weirdness:
1 - I'm a writer. No explanation necessary.

2 - I hate chocolate. Even through the computer, the collective gasp of disbelief astounds me. Why do people dig that stuff anyway? Sour Patch Kids are so much tastier.

3 - I drive a stick shift. Apparently, this is not normal for a married, thirty year-old woman.

4 - I turn hermit from time to time. Yeah, it's inconvenient, but it is what it is. (cringe)

5 - I despise cliches and over-used phrases (like the end of number 4).

So, what makes you weird?

Rant #1 – Customer Complaints

Why is it when people complain about something they always say:

“Well, I never complain. Really. I never do, it’s just… (insert annoying comment here).”
Um, then why’d you start now? Yeah. I don’t believe you.

OR

“I have decades of service experience. I’ve even run my own company, so I KNOW what good service is.”
Good for you. Now get on with it.

OR

“In this economy, you’d think (insert annoying company name here) would want to keep LOYAL customers like me.”
Uh huh. This is usually the person who spent the least.

Please, people. Saying these things won’t make your case any stronger. All they do is aggravate the person on the other end of the line who is essentially trying to help you. Stop complaining already and no, you’re not getting a free (insert annoying company product here).

King of Pop

They laid him to rest today. Or was it yesterday?

It doesn't matter. I didn't know the man. I only knew his music.

Michael Jackson, whether you liked him or not, inspired people around the world. For me, his songs play like a soundtrack for the memories flickering in and out of focus.

Sitting on a porch step, watching the orange and pink of sunset bleed across blue. Schoolmates run around me while I take refuge in my thoughts. "Human Nature" rings in my ears, emanating from plastic headphones attached to my Sony Walkman -- the yellow one. Only the cool kids have the yellow one.

Hiding at my friend's house on Halloween, anxious to jump out and startle her little brother. He wants to be Batman. We want to be Catwoman. "Thriller" starts, coming from a TV in the back bedroom. We're distracted by the beat. Super-heroes fade and only dancing zombies exist.

My best-friend-in-the-whole-world, Heidi, and I sing "Gone Too Soon" at our Junior High graduation. My throat closes while saying, "Dying with the rising of the moon." Tears burn and I am now aware of time's determination to only race forward. No going back.

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson.

I Won!

Thanks to Marybeth Poppins' spectacular gnome-naming contest, I am now the proud owner of Gnorris the Wee Little Garden Gnome. *cheers and applause*

Things are looking up. :)

Ever Get A Song Stuck In Your Head?

And yes, I do dance just like Thom Yorke in case you were wondering. Enjoy!

Warm Saturday Night in LA

You know you live in LA when after being sidelined with an ear infection and reduced to full couch potato status, you decide to take a leisurely stroll through your Wisteria-Lane-type neighborhood only to have it cut short by the sound of a drive-by.

Well, I'm not 100% sure it was a shooting, but after my husband pushed me into the house and yelled for me to, "Get away from the windows!" I'm kind of convinced that it might have been.

So what did Dave and I do after hearing such a shocking sound? Call the police? Phone the neighbors?

Nah. It's best not to get involved. What if the bad guys come back to get the snitch?

"Because when they come, they come at what you love," says Michael Corleone. By the way, the fact that "The Godfather" trilogy is on TV right now has nothing to do with it. I swear. Not even a little influence over the last 6 hours. Hmm. Okay… maybe it wasn't a drive-by, but it certainly sounded like a gun. Or at least a powerful firecracker. At the very least, a hoopty backfire – and that means trouble, right?

Here's what I do know: beyond the manicured lawns, accent-lit palm trees, and artistically-arranged driveway pavers, suburbs of Los Angeles, even affluent ones, share the threat of impending violence. The LA news wouldn’t be so good without it – seriously, it’s almost like watching a movie sometimes. Perhaps the traces of pharmaceutical waste (mostly anti-anxiety meds) found in tap water create a heightened state of paranoia or maybe there's just too many people here… are they all watching us right now?

Enough. Rant over. Back to some much needed sofa time and more Advil. All this worrying is giving me a headache.