Hiya, Folks.
I need your input. Please read the first page of Autumn Leaves and let me know if you would want to keep reading. Be honest. Be unapologetic. Be... well, just give me your feedback. I appreciate it. :)
“I’m sure this trip is going to kill me.” I held the phone to my ear with one hand, clenched the handrail with the other, and launched myself onto the moving step. The smell of coffee laced with grease weakened as I descended to the airport’s lower level.
“Stop being so dramatic. You sound like your sister.” Eve laughed.
The escalator lurched, almost sending me tumbling, but I regained my balance as it chugged downward. “Listen, I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Sure. Stay safe. And don’t die,” she teased with a giggle.
“I’ll try.” I hung up and jammed the phone in my pocket preparing to zigzag my way to the baggage claim.
The San Francisco airport bustled with people, all seeming to struggle against the confines of time. A family of four draped in diaper bags darted in front of me, almost running me over with their stroller. The disheveled mother didn’t seem to notice and yelled at her son, “Stop it! Stop pulling on me!”
The little boy began to cry and I wondered if they were here out of obligation just like me. His mother yanked him away and they disappeared, swallowed by the masses of frenzied passengers.
A crowd filled the space around me, forming a circle surrounding the carousel, like a mob before a hanging. It lunged and surged forward as luggage moved to meet impatient owners. My purple suitcase rounded the corner and I pushed my way to the front, bumping and nudging through the pulsing wall of people.
A hand sprang out in front of me and ripped my bag off the conveyor. “Let me get this for you, Autumn,” a stranger said.
With a sharp inhale, I spun around to confront the would-be thief.
His eyes, a staggering shade of blue, considered me as I tried to think of something else, anything else, other than how beautiful he was.
“H-how did you know my name?”
His lips parted in a slight smile, but before he could answer, the conveyor belt died causing a noisy sputter. A loud bang followed as one of the fluorescent lights exploded above, raining sparks down on the unsuspecting travelers. Screams ensued and I remained still, used to strange things happening around me.
So, what'd you think? Would you keep reading?
I think it sounds great, but I wish I had a better sense of who Autumn is and what she wants, something to infuse meaning into it all. Why is she at the airport? Where is she going? Why is she alone? How old is she? And what is she wearing? I don't know why, but I was picturing her with a wooly hat and coat. I would like a better physical sense of the place, particularly how Autumn relates to it, how she feels about it and what she's thinking.
ReplyDeleteBut I love the meeting with a stranger who knows her, and I think you've done a great job of describing the luggage carousel. Make it mean something to Autumn and through her to the reader, and you'll have a wonderful hook.
Wow. Thanks for the input, Shevi. Great advice!
ReplyDeleteHHS
Actually I'm very impressed and yes I would keep reading! I felt like the word 'almost' in the sixth (?) paragraph felt like an echo of the prior almost in the 3rd. (my character is 14 and she echo's herself a lot so it might just be a character thing. Also, the very last sentence I might replace the word and with yet or something along those lines.
ReplyDeleteYou write really well! I hope you either let us read more or let us in on the mystery my mind is going to play what if all day now. Well done! Love the title too.
It is interesting but doesn't seem to flow for me. Not sure why Eve is introduced when she's going away for the next few chapters. I'd cut to the chase and start with a slightly edited version:
ReplyDeleteA crowd filled the space around me, forming a circle surrounding the luggage carousel, like a mob before a hanging. Suitcases tumbled down on the metal belt waiting to be picked up by impatient owners.
My purple duffle bag slid down the chute and I pushed my way to through the throng of bodies - bumping and nudging the wall of people.
A hand sprang out in front of me and stole my bag off the conveyor. “Let me get this for you, Autumn,” a stranger said.
I spun around to confront the would-be thief. My hand ready to strike.
His sharp blue eyes impaled me. I froze and tried to think of something, anything, to say. “H-how did you know my name?”
His lips parted in a slight smile but before he could answer a loud pop rang out and echoed in baggage claim. The fluorescent light above carousel 3 exploded. Sparks and bits of glass showered down on the unsuspecting travelers.
Does that help?
T Anne - Thanks! :) I appreciate you pointing out the "almosts" -- it's funny how you don't catch things like that in your own writing. Happy 100th post!
ReplyDeleteMichael - Thanks for the critique. Eve comes back at the end of chapter two, but I am trying to establish a little co-dependency. Maybe you're right though -- your version is crisper. I miss you guys in Orange County. Love the verb impaled.
HHS
Hm.
ReplyDeleteLots of extra words here. Lots of attributions, that kind of thing. I'd jump right in with "This trip is going to kill me" on a line by itself, then do the phone convo, no giggles. Cut as many compound sentences as you can, get rid of the "and"s to make shorter sentences with more tension. Watch out for sentences that are half "-ed" and half "-ing".
I would keep reading (at least for a while) because I like the movement, the noise - you did a good job catching the airport. But I think I would probably be marking on it. Too many things distracting from the flow, for me.
thelittlefluffycat - Great to see you outside of Twitter. :) Thanks for the advice - you're right about the shorter sentences. Apparently, I have a thing for compounds and past-progressive tenses. I appreciate your input!
ReplyDeleteI second thelittlefluffycat...too much over-explaining and in need of a bit of reworking, I think.
ReplyDeleteFor instance:
"The smell of coffee laced with grease weakened as I descended to the airport’s lower level." In my opinion, this could better be expressed:
"The mingled scent of coffee and grease slowly lifted as I descended to the airport's lower level."
..or something like that. :)
i loved the end more than the beginning. The stuff about the mom and the little boy could be cut. I didn't get why she thought her bag would be stolen if the guy knew her name. I love the imagry, the sparks raining down, her awe at his beauty... that's hot :)
ReplyDeleteAs a reader, I'd read on. I wish I could speak as an agent, but you know :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree with some of the earlier comments. I want to know why she's at the airport and why she thinks the trip is going to kill her. It's the opening line, so I felt like it should mean something more to the passage.
I liked the "family of four draped in diaper bags". I smiled at the image. I liked a lot of how you described airport craziness :-)
I perked up when the stranger appeared. That's where the tension started for me, so the sooner you can get to that, the better. He's still a bit vague/cliche, but he's just arrived so that's somewhat expected.
I felt like the last sentence was missing something. I imagined Autumn in the middle of this sudden chaos just staring at the stranger. Maybe I wanted something to that effect. Like: Screams ensued, but my eyes stayed glued to the stranger. Besides, I was used to strange things happening around me.
That said, I really got interested when stuff started breaking/exploding. I want to know why it happened and why she's used to that sort of thing. So that's a good cliffhanger (in as much as the end of a page is a cliffhanger).
Story seems like it'd be fun, but too many over-extended emotional tags for me.
ReplyDelete